Two Cents on "Settling for the Less"

Don’t be impressed by basic things, they said. 

I agree, we shouldn’t. Never settle for the less, right? 

The Perks of Being a Wallflower (2012)

Sometimes we’re impressed by mandatory matters, like how they guy who’s been hitting on you, or currently in a relationship with you, is so kind and treat you like how a woman should be treated; with respect. But come to think about it again, aren't kindness and respect mandatory? Or dare I say, basic? Diperlakukan selayaknya, with manners I might add, itu udah bare minimum dari apa yang mesti kita ekspektasikan ketika berhubungan sama manusia lainnya, terutama kalo emang berencana untuk menjalin hubungan yang serius. 

Kemudian gue mikir lagi. What might be the reasons behind we, people, tend to be impressed by the basics.  

It’s prolly because we’ve never been really regarded in a proper way before… Misalnya di kasus yang gue sebutkan di atas, which we’re impressed by kindness & respect, I guess that’s because we’ve been treated with less respect in the past? Or even never been treated with such respect in the past? Jadi kayak…we have no standard or less standard OR even damaged standard of how we should be treated before. Blind-sided, to believe that we’re entitled to be taken for granted. Thus when we finally meet someone who treats us good, we got swept off our feet, head over heels, you name it. 

We might have the fear that we wouldn’t find someone else who might actually treat us well. So we tend to avoid being alone and lonely by staying with someone who’s not actually respect us as we deserve. There’s a research conducted by Spielmann et al. back then in 2013 that found people who were afraid of being single—those who agreed with statements like, "I feel it is close to being too late for me to find the love of my life," and, "As I get older, it will be harder and harder to find someone”—were more likely to prioritize being in a relationship over the quality of that relationship or a potential partner. 

“Mending gue pacaran sama siapapun daripada gak sama sekali” Familiar? Yes. Masih relevan dengan kondisi beberapa orang di luar sana, terutama abege abege. It’s the fear of being alone that skews how we perceive romantic relationship, particularly when we’re making decisions related to it. The fear could allow us to make ugly decisions; choosing “relationships that are unlikely to last, that make us depressed, or even leave us vulnerable to abuse” (Brienes, 2014). Then, BAM! Welcome the so-called toxic relationship.

There’s another interesting (and damn relevant!) insight that we may be biased toward avoiding loss when it comes to romantic relationships, choosing not to let go of a mediocre relationship even if that would open the possibility of gaining a much happier one. Familiar? Yes, again. In fact, some of us choose to stay in a relationship that doesn’t feel right anymore, that’s hollow on the inside (but looks pretty legit on the Insta). The reasons are pretty much diverse, one of those is due to the perception that we’ve already “invested” a lot in it. But isn’t that what relationship is about? Willing to invest in the great uncertainty? Financial, mental, physical… 

I’m just going to quote it like this: “It is like going to the concert even though you’re sick, or continuing to invest in a company that is doomed to fail. Loss is inevitable in these cases; it’s just a matter of whether you get out now and lose less, or stay invested and risk an even greater loss.” (Brienes, 2014). 

However, we all know that when it comes to “love”, we are not always rational. Even most of the time, we are always not rational. One episode of TED Talks by Helen Fisher featured, “Romantic love is an addiction: a perfectly wonderful addiction when it’s going well, and a perfectly horrible addiction when it’s going poorly” (take some time watching it, I recommend).

I think it’s highly important to really get to know ourselves, what we need, what we actually deserve when it comes to a relationship. Hence we can avoid or at least minimize the risk of subconsciously manipulating ourselves that it’s okay to be treated less than we deserve. 

Therefore, when we’re cool, we able to clearly see the potential person. To recognize our own feelings when we’re around him/her. To understand the circumstances, weigh down the considerations. To make the most rational decision possible. To decide the go or no-go. 

I'm aware that perhaps it's far more complicated in the reality, but I personally believe that a relationship should feel good, and right, for both parties. You’re not supposed to settle for the less, nor is he/she. 

References 

Breines, J. 2014. 4 Reasons Not to Settle in a Relationship. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-love-and-war/201404/4-reasons-not-settle-in-relationship. May 7, 2020. 

Helen Fisher’s TED Talks on 2014 “The Brain in Love” https://www.ted.com/talks/helen_fisher_the_brain_in_love#t-12992 

Spielmann, S., G. MacDonald, J. A. Maxwell, S. Joel, D. Peragine, A. Muise, et al. 2013. Settling for less out of fear of being single. J Pers Soc Psychol. 105(6):1049-1073. doi: 10.1037/a0034628.