Cold Feet

"Told you" they say

I know, I know

I've been prepared for years, knowing that very moment would come

In my head, I've played numbers of scenarios of how it would be before

Through text just like those pricks I've dated in the past? Well, sure you can be better than them

Or would it be a phone call this time? With the long pauses and the heavy sighs

Or would you be kind enough to man up and say it to my face, "This is impossible"?

Or perhaps, a more dramatic one; with my parents glaring at us, you being petrified and the tears rolling down my face?

None of those really happened, though

Instead, it was the typical us ; a hard conversation during the drive home, with me initiating it, you went along with it. 

It was unexpected but very expected at the same time. 

I can recall the day I prayed that if I failed something else I’ve been longing for so long, then at least I don’t want us to fail ; thinking I wouldn’t be able to go through it by myself

Then God decided I have to endure failing both.

They say it’s for the best. Although a part of me scoffs and said “I guess I just simply don’t deserve them”. Well, you know me and my self-deprecating shit.

Although I agree ; I don’t

I was younger and brimming with hopes. With you I was hopeful again.

As I get older I’d never thought I would take failures much more difficult than I did when I was younger. I assumed I would be less bitter when I am an adult, owning more solid resilience at least, thus I can bounce back just fine.

But the thing is, I might be stronger now but that doesn’t mean I can feel less bitter about it. Doesn’t mean I feel less sad about it. Doesn’t mean I can bounce back quicker, onto the next one.

If anything, it hits me harder this time. 

If my brimming hopes is your cold feet, would you have taken back what you’ve said?

Would you have refrained yourself from holding my hands for the first time that night?

Would you have averted yourself from taking a long detour to pick me up in the right airport?

Would you have said "I have doubts" to me when you had the chance?

this is the crime scene

always about work, never about feelings

i’ll sweep everything under the rug, if that’s how you want it to be

let me hold my tears for another hour, pretending i was just sleepy

you look different, said you skip lunch almost every day

i fought the urge to say “is it wrong that i just want you to eat well?”

meanwhile you said i look just the same

sure, you just don’t notice a change or two

i got my left ear pierced and went to therapy, bytheway

and i did yoga. who would’ve thought?

i watched stand up comedy episodes obsessively for a few days straight

because i could use some laughter and cynicism

taylor tomlinson said “dating is what’s shitty”

and i nodded 

but i still cried when i passed your neighborhood

but i let you silently watched myself relapse, admitting “my hope died months ago”

i’d give myself an A+ for the performance today, though

if this was a romcom, the people who watch would scoff “this is a classic anxious-meets-avoidant”

no one’s ever sure enough of me, that is for sure

almost four years yet still you didn’t put me on your vision board

and one day i spoke to an empty chair, another day i drove alone at 130 km/h

but that is okay

someday you’ll find it easier 

and you don’t have to wait outside anymore

don’t have to drop her off and drove away after two seconds

and you’ll take her to that photo booth

and to the park where you both can walk your dogs 

and you’ll be happier and think “this is easier, this is nice”

and i’ll be long, long gone 

yet someone will be sure enough of me

might not be fully, but just enough…the way you never did