Not Linear

If I have to highlight one of the most important matters I've learned these past 6 months, it's that the process of dealing with grief is not always linear. 

There are days I feel okay and the memories seem beautiful, and I tear up a bit yet could get on my days just fine. There are also days I feel immobilized just by remembering the loss, the "what could have been" or "what could I have said/done", and I couldn't even get my mess together pondering them. The tomorrow morning, I might still taste the bitterness, or I might find myself random dancing to cheapskate warnet songs I used to listen a lot when I was in middle school.  

Artwork by Carissa Potter Carlson

For you who might be in the similar circumstance as mine, you know what? That it is freaking okay. I have made stupid moves out of impulsive decision dealing with my grief, I've opened up to some people I thought would make me feel better which I ended up regret about, I've bawled my eyes out, and today at least I can manage to go to work and get my job done. You will too. 

Do not forget to take your time. Do not beat yourself up. There will be some people telling you how to move on with your life, how many months you're supposed to spend before you (are expected to) bounce back, how they concede what you feel yet turned out criticizing the way you work out your own issues. Refer to what I've stated, this thing is not linear and difficult to predict. 

In the real world, we're not the boss so it's not our luxury (yet) to take our time as much as we want (as in procrastinating, slacking off work to curl up on bed without feeling anxious getting chased by your super ordinates), but at least we can give ourselves time to fully embrace our own storm. I know how it feels when you're super sad but you have to present and function super well for work, it sucks but at least you got to do it to show how much of a responsible adult you are. 

I hope we able to function well as a social human being too, since we still got our family and friends. As Shelly DeVoto said on My Girl (1991) when she confronted Vada's dad, "Life is not always about death. Don't ignore the living". 

We humans are dynamic, plus the only way is forward, so things will get better (perhaps not all at once, still) and fall into place if we carry on.