Turned Out and Never Thought

                                              Taken in May 2022. Three of us were heading home after went hometown.

                               This was Cica's seat everytime our family went hometown. I still sit on the right. She was always on the left.

"I thought by avoiding my sadness I will handle my grief well. Turned out no."

Around the time after my sister's death, I used to think distractions would be great to just get over it.
Some people also told me to “find other activities” or “do your hobbies” and I was just “hm kay” (Which later I know they only expected me to bounce back quicker which is not what you should expect from a person who's grieving, fellas. I think of those people as pain in the ass to this day). 
Little did I know the grief, at least mine, doesn't work that way.
I suppressed my own sadness oftentimes, kept thinking to myself “now is not the time to be a crybaby” and just carried on with my work or anything. 
But one day I was on the train on my way home and I saw a pregnant woman, I just randomly cried and I couldn't stop it. Anytime I faced a slightest inconvenience, I got overly panic and lashed out. 
Knowing what happened to my late sister, I can't even look at pregnant women the same way again, somehow it feels terrifying, and I can sense a tightly-tied knot inside me, and I just feel distressed. So I  looked away because I didn't want to feel them.
Similar thing happened when I see moms with their babies, I thought to myself "Oh that would have been my late sister if she's still here". 

I was struggling to process the overwhelming emotion when I think of my late sister and how she died and what could have been, there's always those voices inside my head. As the time goes, I gradually try to understand how I process my grief. On the dark days I just sit there, bawl my eyes out, staring at nothing, and talk to myself. On the brighter days I read some books, articles, posts, tweets related to losing the loved ones and grieving and I guess the accumulation of those small things, helps me in unfolding the way I face my grief. The feelings I feel about pregnant women and moms are still there, but not as intense as they were. I might look away, still, but I know how to manage it now at least.

To learn that grief is a shapeshifter and to embrace it takes years, even perhaps forever. Now it's no longer a monster I should run away from, I let it sit with me and we would indulge in the sadness together. 

"I thought the people who ever experienced loss would understand my grief. Turned out no."

 

I am fully aware that I am not the most considerate person there is, specifically when I'm with my grieving friends. I might not understand them well enough, back then when they were going through it. I might've just said common words like "Sabar" and stuff. If I had known better, I would tried to be better and I am sorry I did not. Now that I am the one who's grieving, it feels weird to receive comments related to me losing my loved one. I don't hold grudge but the thing with tone-deaf or rude comments when I grieve, those words brutally engraved to my brain and at times they are automatically recalled and I hate how I just smiled and stay silent where I could've just thrown something at those people. Or at least lost my shit in front of them. Instead I cried alone and worried if I was too sensitive and if my feelings were valid... 

In this case, I would be more than glad to erase those comments from my mind but I just cannot. The classic "I forgive but I don't forget"

Funny is how some people who have the audacity to say mean things to you are the ones who ever experienced the similar thing; they ever lost their loved ones too. I thought it would be easier for them to relate considering they went through it all, thus being more careful with their words. I kind of expected more from people like that....but I don't anymore now. It's beyond my control anyway and I guess all I could do is keeping in mind that nobody might understand how it feels like losing someone. Nobody, not even the ones who ever lose their person either, as they might have gone through a whole different grieving process too. But we all can try to be careful with our words from now on, I guess?

                                   "I thought I am always okay being alone. Turned out no."

I was alone that day. Recalling that day will always be difficult for me as everything happened so fast. The fact that finding out the news alone at home, I didn't have anyone to cry to. I used to be fine being alone at any given time, my late sister knew this. Yet somehow after that day, being alone is the least thing I want to be. Because it is terrifying. It is terrifying to be alone in the aftermath. To confront your own sadness, to wonder how the future will be, with an ally you've lost forever. 

So I am forever grateful of people who I've reached out to and said yes to my out-of-nowhere "Let's meet up".

"I never thought I would think of death more often"

I'm not going to lie that at times I wonder how it would be if I lose my parents when I grow up. That thought occurs even stronger when I visit my friends, or anyone who just lost their mom or dad, "What would I do if it happens to me?" But never occurred to me before that I would lose my sister. When she was just 27. Yet best believe if I had thought of it, I wouldn't be prepared for that. No one is prepared, no matter how much we think about the death of our loved ones.

I think of death quite more often after my sister passed away, didn't expect that. I could stare at nothing, on the way home or somewhere else, or even when I'm driving, suddenly the voice creeps up 
“Oh sometimes I want to die. But hey you know what? If you die today, I don't think you can meet your sis anyway”
“You know what? If you go at 100 and swerve a bit, chances are you’ll be dead”
“Ok so you’re 26 and you’ll be 27 next year. You know who died at 27? Your sister”

It is scary. Nobody told me that losing a loved one would make me think of being dead more often. Not everyday or all time, but just more often. 
Sometimes in a depressing, self-loathing way, sometimes it was just a casual thought that occurs to you out of the blue, sometimes in a motivating way like “You might die but not today because you still need to work on yourself, like a lot. So yeah, carry on”

I am still getting used to the thought of it, though.  

***

In one way or another, my grief proves how clueless I am; about myself, about life, and death.