Other Side of the Meltdown: Act One

I am 30 now. A year ago, or even several months ago, I was dreading this very fact, but the past few months have been quite peaceful. Perhaps I'm finally in the "acceptance" phase, though; which is something to be grateful for, considering I have experienced some intense pre-birthday meltdowns in the prior years.

I cannot help but look back and feeling all kinds of feeling. Anxious, for sure. Sad? A bit. Scared? Totally. What am I scared of? A lot of things. I could tell you, but I wont. Funny thing: ask me the worst moment of my 20s, and I'll answer with full certainty in a split second. Ask me the best, and I need time. Not because there weren't any, I have SO many moments that I haven't been able to shortlist (wow ok, Miss Positivity).

So let’s take a balanced view. Instead of defining and ranking best and worst moments in my 20s, I'll do key highlights or lessons instead (and of course some TMI). Three themes: Self-esteem, Relationships, and Grief.

#1 One Bad Deck, Not a Verdict: Lessons on Self-esteem

Before the Mirror (1890), by Berthe Morisot 

Most of my life learnings are learned the hard way, and lesson on self-esteem definitely takes the cake. It actually relates to Relationships, but this one is entirely about me.

In my twenties when I got to meet a lot of people, went through a lot of changes and major shifts; it is not an understatement to say that a healthy self-esteem is foundational. I am not one of those people who are “lucky” enough to have at least a normal level or high self-esteem stepping into the twenties, so I had to work on it, dare I say, from zero. Of course the journey has not been easy.

Appearance and accomplishments used to hold such critical role in dictating my self worth. For years I was tying it to my appearance (I actually still do for some part, but in a healthier point of view now) and achievements.

It is quite degrading and depressing to say that some boy’s wandering eyes and mistreatment affected the way I perceived myself for years. I was seeking for validations from the wrong people, feeling inferior for not being pretty enough, cool enough, and smart enough (imagine feeling all of these when the boy ain’t even shit??). I went through my first serious heartbreak feeling like ultimate crap. It was different than what I felt on my latest ones. The mistreatments were similar but then I realized what’s different: It’s my self-esteem.

I remember beating myself up over the missteps I made during my earlier years of working, humiliated by people reviewing the deck I made when I was just starting out my first job. Why did it hit me that hard? Why was I so bummed and stressed to the point that felt like me punishing myself? Again, it’s my self-esteem.

Took quite a while for me to realize that I was the one letting things happened to myself, and to realize that I actually had to do something about it; took longer than that. If I think about it, every unpleasant thing happened to me in the past would have been entirely dodged, or at least had less damage if I had given a bit more grace to myself. I have a lot of regrets about that for sure, but I have fully acknowledged that it had happened and I have moved past that, and the most important thing is I am in a better place now. I would not say that I’m done building my self-esteem, but I definitely feel much evolved than how I was back then.

I realized they were all parts of the process and there is no point in agonizing over it now, I still have time to do better; and I can confidently say I do now.

Matters like looks and career are important but both are supposed to be the tool for me in building my self esteem and my confidence. I have been believing that career should be one of the vessels in my life that presents the opportunity to improve myself and to "prove" myself too, to contribute, to give me that sense of purpose, sense of meaning; aside from the financial benefits. It is an imperative part of me, but it should not define my worth and who I am as a person. I don't want to make my job/career/work as my whole personality, at least that is my principle. Who I am as a person is beyond all that.

I am still learning on 100% accepting my own imperfections, flaws, and limitations; it doesn’t stop as soon as I reach 30. What matters the most is that I always try my best in maintaining my wellness and show up as a functioning, responsible adult, be it in my personal or professional life.

So yeah, you can still catch me pondering over a client report deck for hours; worrying if it will humiliate me or fuck me up. But this time, I know I'm good; and if I'm not, it's one deck, not my worth.