Other Side of the Meltdown: Act Two

 #2: The Ones That are True: Lesson on Relationships

The Couple with a Lamb (1902–1905), by Henri Martin 

I’ve tried being alone and I’ve tried being in a relationship. You know how some people don’t want to acknowledge their exes ‘cause they’re too ashamed of them, or the exes weren’t significant enough to count, or “It’s not that important anyway”?

I can understand that, not that it’s a thing to argue about, though. As for me, personally, I am never that kind of person. Meaning that I fully accept all of my past relationships as much as I am ashamed by most of them, I admit the good and the bad, and they were all significant to me in some ways, at least around that time. Not only exes from real relationships, but also some of the guys I dated hard, or even casually dated. I still remember small things about them, the bands they like, the songs they recommended me to listen to, their pet peeves and family issues. I admit I was heartbroken, at some point I cried myself driving home after not getting a text back from a guy I dated for like two months.

It is not a cool thing to admit in this age of modern dating. And it’s not something to be proud of. If anything, I wish I could be nonchalant about it. Except when I actually am nonchalant, it just means I didn’t like the guy enough to care. No matter how hard I tried to act like it, I can’t help but to accept that I don’t take romantic relationships as lightly, as I expect (again, my self esteem (and traumas) definitely has something to do about this fact). It has occurred to me that I love love. I am the girl who would run through the streets or airports to profess love like in those romcom movies. I love love letters and I cry (at least inside) everytime I watch love confessions and proposals or weddings, be it on screen or in real life. I can’t do “casual” (anymore), cause I would feel things sooner or later for the guy even if he’s objectively not my type.

The process of figuring this out was tough. I listened to the dating gurus online and “learned” about the whole dating game, all of those preaches on “loving yourself first” “make sure to have healthy boundaries” “align your goals”, which sounded easier said than done. Once you step up from the “Does he love me or not” phase, there’s more layer of lessons on getting to know what you want and what you deserve in a relationship, the how-to of healthy communication, the compromising, et cetera. Then “Where does this go?”

I used to ponder about this “Would love be enough?” Eventually, I learned the harder lesson: Love is not enough. Someone can love you and still not wanting to commit to you (not yet, or not ever). Commitment is a huge thing and it takes real self-awareness and integrity to really be in one; reasons why some people are not in it yet; it’s never mine to decode.

It took years to finally came to conclusion about what I want and what I deserve out of a romantic relationship, and marriage. Forever is a long time, the world is a mess already, there’s always some fear lingering underneath it all. And yet, we are stay hopeful anyway and we are clinging onto that hope on purpose.

I’ve learned a lot from dating and loving in my twenties. The high was high and the low was hell. Long story short, I survived all that and I’ve bid goodbye to that era.

Now I just want to sit back comfortably with my boyfriend who’s been consistently present for me, who loves me and respects me. Who understands that I am self-sufficient yet wants to hold me ‘cause he wants to. A reminder that love can seem and feel like everything; but now and forever, I know the ones that are true.